Why Not?

It seems like relationships are in a precarious place in our world today. They aren’t lasting or they aren’t beginning or they simply aren’t working. We cant find Mr Right or maybe we just arent able to identify him when he is present.

Nietzche says the definition of crazy is to keep doing what you are doing and expect a different outcome. Maybe we need to change what we are doing if it is not working with regards to relationships.

‘What are the patterns attached to our relational woes? Do we have a moving target as far as what we want in a partner? Maybe because we simply don’t know what we want or it keeps changing? Have we really thought this through?

Are we distracted by the friend who seems to have it all in their relationship and so we think we should shoot for that? The old comparison trap which we know steals our joy. There is no such thing as perfect and aiming for that is always setting ourselves up for big disapointment.

Are we even conscious of what we are looking for in a mate? In therapy we work to bring the conscious forward and shine the light there, so we know what we didn’t know. That thing that might be tripping us up unconsciously.

Making a list of exactly what we want in a partner is a great idea. Then take it one step further and ask, am I this person I am looking for? If not we better get busy on ourselves.

Is it even likely or possible that we will find all of these qualities in one person or are we chasing the elusive and that is why we are still looking? That thing we have fixated on is not even possible quite possibly.

Can we separate our needs from our wants? What is a “must have” on our list and what is a “wish”? Do we find ourselves settling and then being disappointed as time passes and then ending the relationship? Are we being honest with ourselves about the reality of our “needs and wants”?

Are we putting too much emphasis on our romantic relationships and trying to get all of our needs met there? I wonder if maybe we might get some met else where like through friendships and careers? It seems unfair to put all of those expectations on one person. How is that even possible?

Sometimes we might notice we focus on the negative in our relationships and totally overlook the positive. That is a recipe for disaster. If we aren’t happy with ourselves, how can we be happy with another?

Relationships are difficult, because there is another person in them. But they don’t have to be impossible. We can learn to compromise and play nice. This is not the same as settling.

We can learn to be realistic about our expectations and then everybody wins because our goal is one that is possible. It’s within our reach.