First, I have to say thank you for all of the encouraging notes I receive each week after my blog goes live. I read every single one, and I try to address many of the questions I receive, right here in my blog. so please, keep them coming.
It seems like lately I am getting so much interest in the topic of people pleasing. Why do we do it, and how do we stop? Pleasing others is always thoughtful, until pleasing them is harming you. Then it is time to reaccess your people pleasing behavior.
If doing for another is hurting you, then changing the behavior begins with acknowledgement. It can be challenging, but knowledge is power, and with a little hard work, all things are possible.
Firmness is a way to opt out of people pleasing. Do you have a difficult time saying no? No is a fabulous word , don’t use it sparingly. We can be assertive and polite all at the same time. Saying yes when we wish to say no, builds resentment. Things go downhill from there. Think through things when a request is made of your time, and decide if this is a good fit for you. If not, say no. Be sure to behave in a manner that is consistent with what you know is right for you. No is a path to reclaiming your life.
Being firm and assertive is always appropriate. It is part of good personal boundaries, which help others understand where they end and you begin. Boundaries are like fences to separate your responsibility from mine. If being assertive is long overdue in your life, start today. It is a quality that can bring you peace.
If you spend much of your emotional energy attempting to please others, stop that now. There are some you will never please and trying is futile. Your time and energy can be spent in so many better ways . Ways that will benefit your wellbeing and energy.
If you make a personal choice and it is not sitting well with another, that is not about you, that is about them. It is not for you to fix, it is theirs. Leave it with them, and let them manage their own displeasure. If you can’t do this, then wonder why? This is about you saying, this is mine to manage, and that is yours. Blurring the two is a boundary issue, that can bring frustration and resentment to a relationship with self and others.
While we all enjoy making others happy, sometimes we can take this behavior too far. Unhealthy people pleasing can create unbalance and resentment in relationships. When we put others needs above our own, this can become a pattern of manipulativeness and control. We have to look at our behaviors and be mindful of the reasons for them. Are we doing this kindness with no expectations, or are there strings attached and now you owe me?
Something is communicated from all human behavior. When others treat us poorly and we allow it, as people pleasers often do, then we are allowing another to disrespect us. We are in agreement with their disrespect when we don’t have good boundaries with them. Are we placating to the point that we are saying we have little to no self-respect?