Connect with Peaceful Assertiveness

Somewhere along the line, knowing what you want and peacefully asserting this got a bad rap. Remember it is not what you say, but how you say it. If you are respectfully asserting your needs, and someone else is offended , then just maybe that is their problem and not yours at all.

In our interactions with others, our goals should be to be a well-balanced and kind person, rather than being a walked over one. Imagine how some of your relationships might change if you become calmly assertive. At first, if you have trained those you are in relationship with to know that you are an extreme people pleaser, they might be confused when you interact with them in this new responsible way. They have, after all, become accustomed to relating to you in disrespectful ways most likely. It will take some time for them to realize, you are to be taken seriously in your newly learned assertiveness.

Assertiveness does not have to be unattractive or rude. It simply has to be firm. Being assertive should not bring you problems, as long as you know your wish is valid, and your delivery of this thought process is dignified.

Being assertive does not need to be confused with arguing. As long as we are interacting with other imperfect people, which we all are, then we will have differences. That’s normal. To expect everyone to be like us is irrational and arrogant. Judgement and manipulation need not be present between two healthy and rational people, who disagree. It is actually a positive when we express our wishes in a relationship, because this avoids pent-up resentments, or even misunderstandings.

If your relationships don’t allow for conflict and candid discussions, then they are likely not healthy. Those that feel your difference of opinion declares war, well they are quite possibly attempting to control you. They use this thought process to wage nasty tactics, because you are not cooperating if you are not agreeing with them. That is about them , not you. You can know this and still hold your ground, and know that you are not a troublesome person, you are simply standing firm in your personal conviction, in a respectful manner.

If you are a person of integrity and character, then you will at times be in conflict with another’s opinion. Giving in to the other, so that they will think well of you is enabling. This is not a healthy way to interact in relationships. For example, if you stand against a family member’s rude behavior, this is actually you being kind . The other person may say you are uncooperative, but just because a manipulator says this, it does not make it so.

It is a misnomer that loving-kindness and assertiveness, can not be present together in a relational interaction. Assertiveness is simply letting others know your wishes in a respectful way, and that when they interact with you they will encounter balance, rather than the imbalance of people pleasing. Assertiveness is your being committed to personal values and self-respect.